Don’t Coach the Cavs: A Song by Mike Brown
Apr 5, 2014; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown talks to guard Kyrie Irving (2) in the first quarter against the Charlotte Bobcats at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports
Scene: Mike Brown stands on a podium to address the media one last time as head coach of the Cavaliers. Well, until they attempt to hire him for a third time six years from now.
Mike Brown: “I don’t have much to say today. This season didn’t go as planned by any means, and while myself, former general manager Chris Grant, Dan Gilbert, the players, and especially Dan Gilbert are equally to blame, it’s probably for the best that my time is up. However, before I go, I want to go out with a bang.”
You stare in disbelief as Brown produces a stack of CDs and a guitar from under the podium. Oh God.
“This one goes out to all the little people who haven’t been given a chance at their jobs. It is also one of the singles off of my newest project’s debut EP.”
Oh God.
Brown tosses the stack of CDs into the media seats. You pick one up.
(via @Conrsmith, #FF)
OH GOD.
You look up as Brown begins playing a rip-off of a somewhat familiar ska tune…..
Don’t coach the Cavs
Nobody wants you here, no one will understand
Don’t coach the Cavs
You’ll be fired before you have time to enact all your plans
Don’t coach the Cavs
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah……
The curtain pulls back to reveal the full band: Byron Scott with Backup vocals and trumpet, Mike D’Antoni on trombone, Mike Woodson on bass guitar, and Vinny Del Negro on drums.
Already ruined the Lakers
Decision killed your dreams
And once you’ve been behind the scenes,
Well you’ll know just what I mean
You might think that it’s cool to be on the floor
Byron & MDA: And coach pick-and-rolls or a D with holes
But when the center sucks and he gives no fucks
And the Cleveland blogs just want you gone
Your star players will ignore you
No one’s gonna sympathize with you
Don’t coach the Cavs
Nobody wants you here, no one will understand
Don’t coach the Cavs
You’ll be so damn terrible, they will think your offense is bland
Don’t coach the Cavs
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah……
Your GM will be canned,
And you’ll soon join him, man
Yeah, Yeah
And even if your old team
Brings you back for round two
I don’t think you could take it
All the chucking and the feuds
Your two stars can’t finish and they play no D
And your draft picks suck and aren’t up to speed
And the East just sucks which is just your luck
Cause a top-8 seed is out of re-eeach
They’ll turn their backs and you’ll be gone
Faster than you can say what did I do wrong
Don’t coach the Cavs
Your players couldn’t care, they don’t understand
Don’t coach the Cavs
They’ll just fire you twice and then you won’t be in high demand
Don’t coach the Cavs
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah……
Chris Grant will kill your team,
Then Gilbert will kill your dreams
Brown begins to solo, but VDN loses the drum beat. D’Antoni tries to take over the guitar solo with a trombone solo he wrote, but it is double the speed of the song. The band grinds to a screeching halt and Mike Woodson literally kicks his bass to the curb in frustration. Brown calls a time-out too late and begins the song again.
And if you think that the joy of coaching,
Will keep you going through the year
Wait til your players get injured
And Luol Deng just disappears
Nobody cares what you have to say,
No one’s gonna listen anyway,
Byron joins Brown to sing to the end
Coaching Kyrie will bring you down
And Hawes will kick you while you’re on the ground
Don’t coach the Cavs
Don’t even try, you will regret it, yeah,
Don’t coach the Cavs, You’ll be so disappointed and it will kill your comeback plan
Don’t coach the Cavs
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah………
So just get fired now,
I’ll show you how!
Don’t coach the Cavs!
Don’t coach the Cavs!
Don’t coach the Cavs!
Don’t coach the Cavs.
The media scrum is silent. The coaches slowly walk backwards off the stage.